Bipolar? As in Manic Depressive? Bat shit crazy and thinking I am Jesus reincarnate?! No. Can’t be. I’m just having a depressive episode.
“Bipolar?” I asked the psychiatrist. “But I don’t get manic? And I generally am not this moody. I am usually pretty constant and happy.”
“Bipolar doesn’t mean you go from excitable and manic to depressive very quickly. You can go through periods over a few weeks then go back to normal for a while before going through another cycle.”
“But I don’t think I have ever had a manic cycle.”
“Depressive cycles are usually diagnosed first. Manic episodes that go undiagnosed are common. Have you gone through a few weeks where you are working on something and can’t switch off. Like a university project or planning a party?”
I thought back to when I was planning a fundraiser for a friend- constantly emailing, planning, buying stuff… the excitement I felt and the lack of sleep due to the ideas in my head.
“And did you have trouble concentrating, talked fast, were overly excited and were having trouble switching off?
I thought back to when I wanted to open a cafe with a friend in the next few months. Constant talking, jumping into things head on and being so excited with so many ideas.
“And did you have mood swings when people tried to slow you down or challenge your ideas?”
I thought back to the mood I was in when dad said that a cafe wasn’t a viable business in the current economy. Which I knew, but it still hurt to hear it.
“And do you present a different version of yourself in public as you do at home?”
I thought of my time at work, where I am constantly happy, excited, dancing, chatting, never angry and full of energy. Then I thought of my time at home where I have a short temper, slip on the housework, cook sausages on bread for dinner and lay in bed facebooking for hours.
“I need you to look at this questionnaire.”
Now I don’t have a copy of the ‘proper’ checklist, but I found one very similar here.
I did the online one this morning. I scored 32. According to the website, a score over 22 could indicate bipolar.
I have bipolar. It was a shock at first, but after reading about it, I don’t care.
I have to go on medication for a while. And I don’t care.
I have been eating stupid amounts of food, and my jeans don’t fit. And I don’t care.
I will be sick for a while. And I don’t care.
People will judge me for having bipolar.
And I don’t care.